The ceiling continued to drip, long seconds dragging on between each drop—the loudest sound in an otherwise silent room. It was a wonder to think that just seconds ago, it was filled with her and Jaeyoung’s voices, locked in a heightened argument that danced at the cusp of yelling. They were always careful to not draw their daughter’s attention.
Sinae’s face felt hot and her head hurt as she tried to fight back the angered tears that continued to threaten at the edge of her lids. Were they just angry, though? She didn’t feel angry anymore, she just felt sad. And tired. Hopeless. Empty.
A stuttered inhale broke the silence as the weight of the fight finally dropped onto her shoulders, and she just couldn’t hold it anymore.
Min couldn’t see her like this.
That was the sole thought that drove her, slippered footfalls shuffling as quickly as possible across the vinyl “wooden” floors and into their—her—her bedroom.
As soon as she shut the door (a touch harder than intended) a sob tore its way out of her like a bat from hell, and her knees gave out on her so she sank to a helpless crouch in the middle of the floor and buried her head in her knees.
“What the fuck am I gonna do?” The question was barely above a whisper, a hoarse plea to the universe to just solve all her problems so she wouldn’t have to.
After a few moments, she raised her head to gaze around the room. It was already emptier since the separation, but seemed so much more empty at times like this. When it was just her and her thoughts.
Dark eyes landed on the uneven stacks of worn journals that sat upon the nightstand on what used to be Jaeyoung’s side. It was a set that ranged from stretched-out-wire spiral notebooks to actually nice, hard-bound books with little ribbons meant to bookmark pages. All of them had the same thing written on the front, with varied degrees of messy scrawl: Goong’s Diary. They were also marked by age - “Goong’s Diary (ages 6-8)” “Goong’s diary (ages 9-10)”, “Goong’s Diary (age 14),” etc.
She’d pulled them all out earlier that week, feeling oddly nostalgic in a way that she was sure was just a coping mechanism amid all the massive changes going on. Sometimes, looking back at the past helped...even if for just those few minutes.
Silently, the fishmonger crawled her way over to the side of the bed and grabbed the topmost diary from the nearest stack: age 18-19. Leaning against the side of the bed, the 32-year-old wiped her blurry eyes and flipped to a random page.
2010/7/6
Another year, another birthday passed!
A new noraebang just opened up recently, so I went there with Bitnaneun, Jun, and a few other friends. We were there for hooooouurrrrs and I'm pretty sure I fried my voice for the day. Sorry ssaem's, no forcing participation from me today ㅎㅎ. Considering my track record, I'm gonna be honest and say this party was really low key. But that's not a bad thing!! It was also probably the most genuine fun I've had in a really long time, fun that I actually have full memories of the next day at least. I think I've written enough about my bad habits, so I won't even get into it here. The most important thing is I had fun with my favorite people ♡
I was planning to have a second party with the others today, but I dunno. The noraebang is an open one, without private rooms and I met this oppa called Jaeyoung. Kim Jaeyoung. We really get along and I wanted him to come too but we'd be going to the mainland and he didn't seem to keen on the whole boat thing. Which...well, he hasn't said anything but I can feel it. That fear. And I totally get it. I can't even look at the water on a bad day and it's been years. Maybe he has a trauma too? I'll ask when we're closer.
Anyway, I think I'd rather hang out with Jaeyoung oppa after school. The other kids and I can catch up this weekend. I'll even buy the drinks to make up for it ㅋㅋ
— Goong
︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵
D-12 - Summer Vacation
D-158 - Winter Vacation
D-235 - Graduation
Loosing a heavy sigh, Sinae let the journal drop onto her lap. Of course it had to be one regarding him. She felt a fresh flood welling up as she thought about how happy things had been in the weeks and months that followed her first meeting with Kim Jaeyoung.
She should have been happy to look back, but now? Now, things only felt bitter. Things only seemed to be bogged down with regret.
Would they have been happier if they’d just broken up years ago and lived as friends? If Min had come into their lives just a few years later when they were more mature and more prepared to make such a life-altering decision? If she’d never even been bor—
Sinae quickly dashed that last thought, a sick feeling rising in the pit of her stomach. Mindeulle was the best thing to happen to her. No question. How dare she even entertain that!
Still, those creeping monsters known as regret and insecurity slipped their dirty claws around Sinae’s heart and clenched. She didn’t care that she’d gotten stuck in their shitty little town. But Jaeyoung? He’d had so much potential. So much ahead of him and he’d been decent enough to put it all aside for their little, immature family.
Maybe if they’d never met, he wouldn’t be stuck in a job he hated while desperately trying to make ends meet with a venture that was getting them nowhere. Or, he’d at least have a wife who wasn’t a screw-up dropout and was capable of more than a job that paid at the whim of the seasons or the occasional panic attack.
Did she ever even say a proper thank you for sticking by her? She couldn’t remember. Did a decade of I love yous and nights sitting awake together after one or the others’ night terrors even bear the weight of those feelings well enough? She hoped so...
“Mom!”
Sinae didn’t know how long she’d sat there, reminiscing (or lamenting?) over the past, but a bright voice and the telltale clicking of a canine’s paws snapped her out of things as they approached the room.
“The rain stopped and Siro has to go potty.”
Jumping up and sending the book clattering, Sinae roughly swiped her eyes with a palm and ran into the bathroom to make herself look less red.
“A-Alright, get her leashed. I’ll be out in a second!”
--
a/n: every time I write about Sinae’s feelings of guilt, I’m mentally screaming at her about how Jaeyoung isn’t that great either!! She just doesn’t know because they don’t COMMUNICATE!! He’s selfish for using their relationship/sudden marriage as a crutch when he was unsure about his future and facing pressure from his dad. It was too massive a commitment to just use as an easy out. And now he's upset at himself for constantly making money mistakes and he just lashes out. And and Sinae even doing this whole divorce thing bc she *thinks* Jaeyoung feels stifiled and she's "setting him free" when he's actually so upset about being "put out." They need to have a loooong talk bc they are SO misunderstanding each other. Also they both need THERAPY.
I want them to go to both individual and couples’ therapy and figure out their shit so they can be normal and accept that they actually love each other and so they can stop letting the bad of the past few years overshadow the far more frequent good >:(